We’re all about creative materials, but this was a bad idea from the beginning.

We usually like wooden things—they can add warmth to a room, or a bit of wit to gadget design—but this one doesn’t work on either front. To recap for those who came in late, the purpose of a tie is to drape and/or hang. These polished logs aren’t going to do either; they’re just going to clack around stiffly every time you move.

The second in our series of items that will get you arrested, the “greenaid” answers the pressing question, “How do I carry around a spare bag without using handles?” and the even more pressing question, “How can I scare the bejezus out of the people behind me in line at Whole Foods?”

Think of it as killing two birds with one grenade.

The Threadless culture has inspired a lot of innovation, but there’s also been a wash of half-baked and out-and-out lazy designs letting a square inch of embroidery substitute for an actual idea. The most recent offender? Attus Prep.

We Are the Market big-upped these polos, but they’re just standard issue catalog-wear with an “edgy” symbol—a mohawked punk, a 40 oz bottle, a stripper on a pole—stitched where the usual polo player or seagull would go.

There’s a press packet, a few choice anti-establishment quotes, and logos to spare. If they just had some clothes, they might have something.

We love the futuristic look as much as the next guy—probably a good deal more, actually—but we have to draw the line. And we draw it at a substance called acrylic, also known as plexiglass.

This table from Spectrum West is probably astonishingly easy to clean, but at some point you’re going to want to own something that doesn’t smell like Windex. It’s great if you’re making a movie about a dystopic future, but anyone who has it in their living room is probably way too intense to interact with.

Also, it costs $3000.

We like our leather jacket as much as anyone, and the occasional exotic touch isn’t the worst thing in the world. But this is just awful.

Leaving aside the flat-out grotesqueness and the unnatural splay of the digits, anything that leaves dead claws brushing gently against a woman’s neck is bound to be a bad idea.

Quite frankly, we’re creeped out just looking at it.

We love obscure hats more than most, but we draw the line at the fez. Making it taller and giving it a brim won’t change anything.

This one comes from the multi-culturally named Giuliano Fujiwara. Their summer line has some very solid shades, but somehow their flagship headpiece ended up looking like a collaboration between the shriners, the cossacks and the snowboarder crowd. In other words, a bad idea.

See the top hat fez in its natural habitat, a fashion show»

Clint Eastwood’s amazing for a lot of reasons (a more long-winded explanation of his greatness is available here), but his singing voice was never part of the package. And 78 is probably not a good age to start up.

For his upcoming film Gran Torino, he’s putting his tortured pipes on full display over the closing credits. The result could most flatteringly be described as “whispery,” but Vulture’s description—“Tom Waits with a punctured lung”—is probably also valid.

Listen here

Trim sweaters have been in style for a bit too long, so it’s no surprise that the floppy backlash is beginning.

It’s starting in Italy (as evidenced by this genuinely puzzling Dolce & Gabbana knit) but, according to the latest International Herald Tribune, we can count on it reaching the states in one version or another by this time next year. Hopefully by then it will have shed some of that golden fleece…but even that won’t be enough to change our minds.

Why we’re so pessimistic»

The beards of the past are always likely to cause beard envy in the younger, more stubbly generations. It’s a common phenomenon that Freud referred to as “The Bunyan Complex.”

But trust us, knitting facial hair is not the answer.

Thirty years down the line, it’s hard to stay mad over punk rock being coopted by marketing agencies…but somehow Diesel has managed to step over the line.

This year’s marketing mis-step»

Much as we love the sneaker/oxford crossover, it’s important to do it in the right way. Otherwise you end up with…well, this.

We explain where it all went wrong»

We’re used to seeing this sort of thing on runways, but when it goes retail, we feel compelled to sound the alarm bells before some fashion-forward lady friend of ours makes an impulse buy and finds herself looking at the world through her own personal beaded curtain.

In all sincerity: If you wear this, you will trip and hurt yourself.

And possibly jingle when you walk.

We like to think we’re fighting back the ridiculous here at Kempt, but occasionally we see something that tests our faith in the underlying sanity of the fashion industry.

They just never learn, do they?

The phrase “style icon” gets thrown around quite a bit, but it’s important to make sure you really mean it. Otherwise you run the risk of leaving the house dressed like this.

So we were a little troubled to see Lenny Kravitz getting the style icon treatment from AskMen. We’re sure he’d make a great male model and we admire his mother’s stage work, but can’t we all agree that this is no way for a grown man to dress? Like the flying V guitar, Lenny’s look is way too flashy to be trusted. Even when he isn’t sporting something as embarrassing as this, he exudes a level of lounge-lizard sleaze that should be enough to scare off any self-respecting gentleman of style. It’s gear like this that gives L. A. a bad name.

There are plenty of robots around these days but—if this guy is any judge—they don’t quite have the musical gist.

Which is why we’re partial to this Tengu Black. Sure, you don’t need a tiny USB device mouthing the words to whatever songs you’re playing—or, if you’re tech-savvy enough, your voicemail messages—but it’s a good sort of thing to have around.

As of this week, you can pick one up in sleek black instead of Apple-ready monolith white, which makes us even more intrigued, but it doesn’t quite answer the question…who buys these things?